Victor moves in

31 July 1993

Since we met in early April, I devoted most of every weekend to Victor through the end of school. Then, all at once, his host family finally returned, they seemed ready to suddenly send him home, he explained his illegal status, and I was leaving for Alaska. So he moved in with me.

Whooomp! With almost no forethought, I had a live-in, illegal alien lover, with no money, whom I could barely communicate with, whom I didn't really know a lot about, whose only "American" friends were sufficiently angry at him to threaten him, and I was leaving him alone in my home while I left for 12 days.

Pathologically, debilitatingly cautious, never-spontaneous Rodney!

He and my home were fine while I was gone, of course. Once I returned, I devoted much of every night along with every weekend to Victor. And, finally, just last weekend, I saw him off from Tijuana back to Progreso (at my expense). And I will probably go visit him there in another month.

So. What was it all about, how do I feel, what do we both expect?

First, I still don't think I'm in love. Partly it's that I am emotionally retarded. Partly it's that I'm not yet sure how much we have in common. Yes, we've both genuinely enjoyed touring L.A.,and he seems to love to take care of my house and me (which I certainly enjoy), and, crucially, we both enjoy our time in bed. But I don't even know what his real interests would be on his own, and many of mine are language-dependent (and have suffered these past three months).

Second, I've proved one previously theoretical claim: That I'm not hung-up on any particular age, hair color, body build, face, .... any "type" at all beyond saying that the type of man who would turn me on would be one who was turned on by me. And I have to admit that Victor has convinced me that I turn him on. If that proves false, he's an astounding actor, and I will never recover from the devastation.

Third, I'm very much looking forward to visiting him in Progreso. Not just to see him and Yucatan, but to learn about his life, his family, his friends, his job, etc.

Fourth, I don't know what to think about the future. I'm not ready to move to Yucatan. I'm not ready to have him live with me illegally and indefinitely. Despite what he says, I doubt that he's really ready to give up his life in Mexico.

Finally, to return to the first, most important point. I truly say that I love him, but it's not a gut-wrenching, must-have, in-love emotion.

I have to simply say, "We'll see."